[00:00:38] Speaker A: Welcome to the 68th episode of the Crack Die podcast.
[00:00:43] Speaker B: Great, we're back.
[00:00:44] Speaker C: Have you made it this far?
[00:00:45] Speaker A: Woohoo.
[00:00:46] Speaker D: Seems like it's only been a couple.
[00:00:48] Speaker E: I mean, we're not quite 69.
[00:00:50] Speaker B: I'm excited for next episode.
[00:00:51] Speaker C: Next week is gonna be real nice.
[00:00:54] Speaker B: Nice day. I mean, what nice?
[00:00:59] Speaker A: Like I said, I have a. A special rule for episode 69 that I'm gonna.
[00:01:04] Speaker C: I'm a little terrified.
[00:01:05] Speaker A: Let you all know when, when we get to the nice episode.
[00:01:09] Speaker B: So Rob, just so you know, there's a thing called the x card, which we haven't really talked about for a while. But if you're very uncomfortable with something.
[00:01:16] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:01:16] Speaker B: Throw out an x card and then we will move on without any questions.
[00:01:19] Speaker A: And since we're playing remotely, you can just draw a big x on the screen. No one will know. Exit or yellow.
[00:01:24] Speaker C: Yeah, or we all just kind of.
[00:01:29] Speaker D: I don't understand why you all are getting so excited about like, episode what seven.
[00:01:35] Speaker E: Someone's in denial.
[00:01:36] Speaker B: Do you guys not tell Rob we've been doing this for a while?
[00:01:39] Speaker A: Hmm?
[00:01:40] Speaker E: What?
[00:01:40] Speaker A: No, that was your job.
[00:01:41] Speaker B: All right, let's go.
[00:01:42] Speaker E: Oh, no.
[00:01:43] Speaker B: All right, episode seven. Here we go.
[00:01:47] Speaker A: When we last left this lovely crew, you were being attacked by alligator faced creatures. I was really bad about describing them, so I'm gonna tell. Talk about them now because again, like I said, I was real bad about describing how they look and everything like that. So these creatures are humanoid and they're small. They are slender and wiry looking with a head resembling a crocodile. And they have rust colored skin and blood red eyes.
[00:02:20] Speaker B: Cool.
[00:02:21] Speaker A: Yeah, that's a thing. Yeah, it is a thing and it's not a nice thing.
[00:02:26] Speaker E: Sounds fun.
[00:02:27] Speaker A: You also have a dragon pillar here that you're all dealing with.
[00:02:32] Speaker B: It allows reflex saves though, so it's fine.
[00:02:34] Speaker A: Oh, hush.
[00:02:35] Speaker B: It's not dangerous at all.
[00:02:37] Speaker A: So all of these creatures, there's 12345 of them that you can see. And the dragon pillar basically all attack. Twin Talon. And then a couple things shot at knife sword, dark hole, seagull teeth. You know, just try and keep things even.
[00:02:54] Speaker B: This tree in the middle of the map means I can't see him.
[00:02:57] Speaker A: I know, it's really inconvenient. It's like I was there on purpose. On purpose.
[00:03:03] Speaker B: I can see his stink aura though, so I kind of know where he is. Yeah.
[00:03:07] Speaker A: So once an arrow flew at knife sword. He farted. It's the only way he can say. I can say it. And now he's covered in a shroud of fart mist.
[00:03:17] Speaker E: Fart mistake.
[00:03:18] Speaker B: Wait, did you say fart mist or fart ness?
[00:03:22] Speaker A: Yes, I nest in my sting sometimes.
[00:03:26] Speaker C: Gross.
[00:03:28] Speaker D: I have a quick question.
[00:03:29] Speaker A: Yes.
[00:03:29] Speaker D: When I move, will it come with me?
[00:03:31] Speaker A: Nope, it just stays where it is. But you are concealed. Now, you all roll terrible initiatives. And Brianna, it is now your turn because I can't end an episode unless I interrupt your turn. Also, everyone has a hero point.
[00:03:46] Speaker E: Yay.
[00:03:48] Speaker B: Can't wait to use it on my first turn.
[00:03:50] Speaker E: Yep, same. Okay, here we go. So there's this beautiful creature thing that is between Twintellon and myself, and I feel like it would be a horrible idea not to take advantage of the fact that we're flanking to go ahead and smack it with my scimitar.
[00:04:10] Speaker B: All right, I'm pretty sure I ended my turn last time, specifically setting this up.
[00:04:16] Speaker E: Yep, sounds about right.
[00:04:18] Speaker A: It's flat footed.
[00:04:20] Speaker E: Excellent. Roland. 31.
[00:04:23] Speaker A: Yeah. Yes, you crit.
[00:04:25] Speaker E: Heck yes. That's what I'm talking about. Okay, you ready?
Severed spine. The target must succeed at a fortitude save or be paralyzed until healed.
[00:04:37] Speaker A: Hey.
[00:04:38] Speaker B: Okay, sounds like Brianna.
[00:04:39] Speaker A: What is your class? DC.
[00:04:43] Speaker E: Remind me how to find that again.
[00:04:45] Speaker B: It is your proficiency bonus with your class DC, plus your class's ability score.
[00:04:52] Speaker E: So it's a 23.
[00:04:53] Speaker A: Now it's a 23 and a fort save. So if I rolled a natural one.
[00:04:59] Speaker B: Oh, no, that would be a critical failure.
[00:05:01] Speaker A: That would be a.
[00:05:02] Speaker B: And also a severed spine.
[00:05:03] Speaker C: Yeah.
[00:05:04] Speaker A: Yeah. So go ahead and roll damage.
[00:05:06] Speaker E: Okay. Okay, I can do this. Nine times two is 18. Look at me, math.
[00:05:13] Speaker B: Hooray.
[00:05:15] Speaker A: 18 points of damage.
[00:05:17] Speaker B: Well, actually, that's with disrupting auto, right?
[00:05:20] Speaker E: Oh, I thought it would count.
[00:05:21] Speaker B: No, disrupting is just against undead, unfortunately.
[00:05:24] Speaker E: Yes, you're right.
[00:05:25] Speaker B: Oh, yeah. You rolled three d six and got ones on all of them. Geez.
[00:05:28] Speaker C: Yeah. Well.
[00:05:29] Speaker E: Well, so eight, then.
[00:05:30] Speaker A: Eight times two. So 1616 is still enough to kill it?
[00:05:35] Speaker E: Heck yeah.
[00:05:37] Speaker B: Just cuts it right in half. Side to side scimitar.
[00:05:40] Speaker A: Yeah, you still have bits of spine on the end of your scimitar, and that was your first action.
[00:05:46] Speaker E: Right.
[00:05:46] Speaker A: So what would you like to do with your next two?
[00:05:48] Speaker E: So, for my second action, Brianna will step forward diagonally, bloop, bloop. And swing again.
[00:05:56] Speaker B: All right, you want to get to his other side step and take another step.
[00:05:58] Speaker E: Oh, you're right.
[00:05:59] Speaker B: So that'll give you if you.
[00:06:01] Speaker A: Okay, so you're regular move. So as you regular move, it is going to attack you with an attack of opportunity.
[00:06:13] Speaker B: Why do none of us have attack of opportunity?
[00:06:15] Speaker E: I'm hoping next level I'll be able to.
[00:06:17] Speaker A: Oh, 16 versus your redonkulous ac.
[00:06:22] Speaker B: That's a critical failure.
[00:06:24] Speaker E: Yeah.
[00:06:24] Speaker A: Oh, yeah.
[00:06:26] Speaker E: Oh, bless you. You did try my. Oh, so is it.
[00:06:30] Speaker C: I'm confused.
[00:06:30] Speaker E: Let me double check.
[00:06:31] Speaker B: Okay, well, 16 is.
[00:06:34] Speaker A: Yeah, that's.
[00:06:35] Speaker B: I mean, mine's a 25. And I know you're much better at AC than I am.
[00:06:38] Speaker E: Yeah. It is a crit fail, my friend.
[00:06:42] Speaker A: Sorry. It swings out with you. With. It snaps at you with its jaws.
[00:06:47] Speaker B: And its face falls off.
[00:06:49] Speaker A: Well, kind of. It snaps at you, but overextends and it falls prone and is slowed one until the end of its turn.
[00:06:59] Speaker E: You feel kind of bad.
[00:07:01] Speaker B: Well, just put it out of its misery.
Or you can go to the dragon pillar. It's up to you. But I don't think you can't get there this turn, because of the slowness of the marshiness.
[00:07:10] Speaker E: That. And you know, we have this set up, so might as well strike with.
[00:07:15] Speaker A: Everything that's going on with this guy. What did you roll?
[00:07:19] Speaker E: 28.
[00:07:20] Speaker A: Huh. So if I look at all the. Everything that's gone on with them, that is another critical hit.
[00:07:27] Speaker E: Oh, I'm so sorry.
[00:07:28] Speaker A: I don't think you are.
[00:07:30] Speaker B: Why? These guys attacked us mercilessly.
[00:07:32] Speaker E: True. Okay, well, are you ready for another status effect for this poor, poor creature?
[00:07:38] Speaker A: Yep.
[00:07:38] Speaker E: All right. Bewildering display. The target is flat footed until the end of its next turn.
[00:07:44] Speaker A: Okay, go ahead and roll that. Beautiful double damage.
[00:07:48] Speaker B: So minus two.
[00:07:49] Speaker A: So 30. 30 points of damage do NPC's take.
[00:07:53] Speaker C: Massive.
[00:07:54] Speaker A: Wow.
[00:07:55] Speaker B: This little guy.
[00:07:56] Speaker E: Oh, yeah, yeah. I'm sorry.
[00:08:00] Speaker A: There you go. It's still there, but it's lying on its, like, face, like, snapping into the mud and like, it sounds like the penguin from the old Batman cartoons.
[00:08:14] Speaker E: Wow. I wish we could coup de cross at this point. I feel bad. Put it out of its misery.
[00:08:20] Speaker A: Saraya. It is your turn.
[00:08:22] Speaker C: Well, I'm gonna. I really don't want to waste, like, bomb on this dude who's probably like, dead to dead, so she'll step up to him. Okay, I believe that puts her in 20ft of the other dude. Yes. 20ft. Perfect. And she's gonna throw.
[00:08:40] Speaker A: Or 20ft to the left.
[00:08:42] Speaker C: Oh, crap. I didn't see that guy there until I moved up because he was behind a tree. See, I will throw. I will throw one at the guy to my left. He's gonna take a moderate alchemist's fire.
[00:08:52] Speaker A: Is he. Is he.
[00:08:55] Speaker C: 20? Will that hit unnatural?
[00:08:57] Speaker A: That will miss.
[00:08:58] Speaker C: We'll try again. Cause I only roll the wait, really? Yeah, it's an unnatural 20. It was a five plus 15.
[00:09:03] Speaker B: I know, but the guy on the ground, like, we crit on him with a 20 something.
[00:09:08] Speaker A: Well, he's also flat footed and prone and I guess.
[00:09:12] Speaker C: Okay, yeah, um, well, I will try that again.
[00:09:15] Speaker A: You also have a hero point.
[00:09:17] Speaker C: Yeah, I have one hero point. I'm not gonna.
[00:09:19] Speaker E: Okay, not yet.
[00:09:20] Speaker A: What is that?
[00:09:21] Speaker C: 16.
[00:09:21] Speaker A: That will miss as well.
[00:09:22] Speaker C: I rolled a five on my first roll. And a.
[00:09:25] Speaker A: Hey, if you keep that trend, you will eventually hit something.
All right, so the creature that you just threw those two alchemist fires at comes running towards you.
[00:09:41] Speaker B: I wish I had attack.
Because he runs right, right past you. Past me. Well, he's now in front of me to attack. Maybe you.
[00:09:49] Speaker A: I'm guessing he's going to run to the east, towards Saraya and Twintalen, and swipe his long spear at twin Talon and Saraya.
[00:10:01] Speaker C: Oh, does he have, like, the follow through thing right here?
[00:10:03] Speaker B: What?
[00:10:04] Speaker A: Oh, he's using an ability called swipe. And I just rolled a natural 20.
Does a 34 beat. Shut up, you're okay.
[00:10:16] Speaker C: That is exactly. So my ac is 24. That is exactly ten above it.
[00:10:20] Speaker B: It doesn't matter as long as it hits us. It's a crit. Still, you do have your reaction, which I want to see how much damage we take.
[00:10:27] Speaker E: That's exactly what I was thinking. Depending on who.
[00:10:30] Speaker A: 26 points of piercing damage.
[00:10:33] Speaker B: Don't you roll differently for each? You roll separately for each person.
[00:10:37] Speaker A: Not with this specific ability.
[00:10:39] Speaker B: Okay.
[00:10:40] Speaker A: It actually specifically says roll damage only once and apply it to each creature.
[00:10:44] Speaker C: He's a 26.
[00:10:45] Speaker A: 26 points of damage.
[00:10:47] Speaker E: I would like to liberate Saraya for nine points. So give her back nine, please.
[00:10:52] Speaker A: All right, I gave her back nine. I don't want to.
[00:10:55] Speaker C: Good.
[00:10:56] Speaker A: But I will.
[00:10:56] Speaker E: Well, you gotta.
[00:10:57] Speaker C: Thank you, Vietnam. Very helpful.
[00:10:59] Speaker B: And she can move too.
[00:11:01] Speaker A: Yes. Saraya, you may take a step.
[00:11:04] Speaker C: A single step. Very useful to be far away from things.
[00:11:08] Speaker A: All right, so that was its the entire action. Oh, boohoo. It moved and it swiped well. That's good. The one that is prone in the mud. No. Decides to stand up.
[00:11:22] Speaker B: He's slow too, right?
[00:11:24] Speaker A: Yep. So one action to stand up. And he's still flanked. And the crit card gave him flat footed. So he's like double flat footed, if only with his last action, he's going to snap at the person who just annihilated him, which is Brianna.
[00:11:40] Speaker E: Whoops. What you do?
[00:11:41] Speaker A: 29.
Lucky duck. Yep.
[00:11:44] Speaker E: He hit me.
[00:11:45] Speaker B: Wait, no shit, you reaction?
[00:11:47] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:11:47] Speaker E: Yep.
[00:11:48] Speaker D: Didn't she get new armor less?
[00:11:50] Speaker E: Don't worry about it. It's fine.
[00:11:52] Speaker B: She did. But it's still not 29. Or maybe, maybe it is 29 at this point.
[00:11:55] Speaker A: 28.
[00:11:57] Speaker B: So if she had brought up her shield, it'd be 30 or 31.
[00:12:00] Speaker D: Oh, that was with the shield.
[00:12:01] Speaker A: You take ten points of damage as it bites you and you see the red in its eyes. Blow a bit more. You guys should have rolled better initiatives. I'm just saying, knife sword, you are concealed, which means I need to make a flat check to try and hit you. It's a DC five. Flat check. So this creature is going to shoot a longbow at knife sword.
[00:12:27] Speaker B: That's a silly thing to do with him. 30ft.
[00:12:29] Speaker A: Yeah, sorry. Short bow. Short bow.
[00:12:32] Speaker B: No, no, you said long bow.
[00:12:34] Speaker A: I read long spear and short bow and combined them into those longbow excuses. So let me see if I roll a five or higher 18 so it can target you and he shoots. Does a 26 hit your ac?
[00:12:51] Speaker D: Probably.
[00:12:52] Speaker A: So you take eight points of damage and as another arrow flies at you, this creature's beginning to feel it. So he's going to drop his short bow, draw his long spear and come running in to where knife sword, dark hole, seagull teeth.
[00:13:11] Speaker D: Is.
[00:13:12] Speaker B: Does he enter the cloud?
[00:13:13] Speaker A: Oh, he does. Oh no. What did I do?
[00:13:16] Speaker E: Heck yes.
[00:13:18] Speaker B: I believe you mean oh yes.
[00:13:24] Speaker C: There you go.
[00:13:25] Speaker A: Each creature except you in the area takes one d six poison. Basic fort save.
[00:13:31] Speaker C: I love it.
[00:13:31] Speaker A: Let's do a basic fort save hit basic 26 build.
[00:13:35] Speaker D: DC is 25.
[00:13:36] Speaker A: 25. Oh, I just make it so I pass. Which means I take half damage of a d six. Would you like to roll me a d six, please?
[00:13:45] Speaker D: There we go.
[00:13:45] Speaker A: So he takes two points of damage.
[00:13:50] Speaker D: Doesn't hardly seem fair.
[00:13:51] Speaker A: That's his turn. Twin Talon, your turn.
[00:13:55] Speaker B: Okay, twin challenge. Gonna look at Brianna and say sep. Hey, what's going on?
[00:14:00] Speaker A: He'll, uh, come here often.
[00:14:01] Speaker B: Wanna get some like smoothies or something after this?
[00:14:04] Speaker A: Not the time.
[00:14:07] Speaker E: What are you talking about?
[00:14:10] Speaker B: Uh, he will look at Brianna and he'll say, go for the pillar, I've got this. And then he will attack. I'm trying to remember how this one ability works. I haven't used it in a long time.
[00:14:20] Speaker A: What with the name of that one ability.
[00:14:22] Speaker B: Twin faint.
[00:14:23] Speaker E: Ooh, sounds familiar.
[00:14:25] Speaker B: Oh, he will use twin faint on the one to the south of him. Okay, which is the one that ran up and skewered him with the spear or some. Sorry. Swiped him with the spear.
[00:14:35] Speaker E: Mm hmm.
[00:14:36] Speaker A: All you had to say was swiper no swiping. Just saying.
[00:14:41] Speaker B: All right, so the first one is at his normal ac. That's a 35.
[00:14:45] Speaker A: That's a crit. Wait, hang on, let me double check because all of us. He's not messed up like his other buddy is.
Yeah, that is a crit.
[00:14:53] Speaker E: Nice, man.
[00:14:54] Speaker B: We're not getting any of the Patreon slashing.
[00:14:57] Speaker A: I'll let you know. Most of them are crit fails. What?
[00:15:00] Speaker C: Thanks, guys.
[00:15:01] Speaker B: Thanks, guys.
[00:15:02] Speaker A: Well, you know what?
[00:15:04] Speaker B: Sean rolls more dice than us. It's more likely he's going to get a crit fail. So I think he's. I think we're okay. So it's called leg swipe. The target is knocked prone.
[00:15:13] Speaker A: Oh, could you stop knocking these guys over, please? No.
[00:15:17] Speaker C: Why would we do that?
[00:15:18] Speaker B: First of all, no, I will never stop doing that.
[00:15:22] Speaker A: Okay, continue.
[00:15:23] Speaker B: Also, I realized that last episode I was shorting myself two damage every attack. Oh, so he takes 30 damage.
[00:15:29] Speaker A: Oy vey, I gavolt.
[00:15:32] Speaker B: And he's prone.
[00:15:33] Speaker A: Yep, already got it.
[00:15:35] Speaker B: Okay. And then my second attack is a 17 versus his flat footed ac.
[00:15:41] Speaker A: Flat footed. Will miss.
Got any of them hero points? All right, I do.
[00:15:49] Speaker B: I do. But I want to try something else. So while the guy in between him and Brianna is down and flat footed and nearly dead, he's going to try to finish him off. So he's going to use his third action to make a third 3rd attack. I know what you thought you'd never see it.
[00:16:03] Speaker E: I don't know about this.
[00:16:05] Speaker A: I need the audience to like take a time stamp picture at this moment and be like, twin Talon made a third attack.
Hashtag anything is possible.
[00:16:16] Speaker B: It's true.
So I am attacking the guy on the ground in between Brianna and Twintelle.
[00:16:25] Speaker A: All right, 25. Will it, you know, just roll high?
[00:16:28] Speaker B: I guess is the answer to my dilemma.
[00:16:31] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:16:31] Speaker C: Yeah, clearly.
[00:16:32] Speaker B: 23 down.
[00:16:34] Speaker A: Holy that that all goes through.
[00:16:38] Speaker B: Is he still alive? Yeah.
[00:16:40] Speaker C: I feel like we like not couple them out with like ten damage and there's this one that we can't hit. This one just won't die.
[00:16:46] Speaker B: All right. Oh, well, that's my turn, unfortunately.
[00:16:50] Speaker A: All right.
[00:16:51] Speaker B: I mean, I'm not too mad about it. I just missed one of my three attacks, but I didn't critmist, so it's not big deal.
[00:16:55] Speaker A: So this creature that is closest to the dragon pillar to the north moves.
[00:17:00] Speaker B: Is it the same type of creature?
[00:17:02] Speaker A: Yes, they're all the same.
[00:17:03] Speaker B: Okay. Okay. You just didn't say it's obvious.
[00:17:06] Speaker A: I just don't want to say the name of them because no one's tried to identify them yet. So this alligator faced creature will move forward towards Brianna. Only move 5ft because it has a little bit of reachy. Reach swing. It's long spear at her. Oh no. 16.
[00:17:29] Speaker E: Draw that crit, family friend.
[00:17:31] Speaker A: Draw it. Oh, guess what.
[00:17:34] Speaker E: Oh no.
[00:17:35] Speaker B: Is it a user submitted one?
[00:17:36] Speaker A: This is from Mike from Perth.
[00:17:38] Speaker C: Yay.
[00:17:39] Speaker D: Yeah.
[00:17:39] Speaker A: Yay.
[00:17:41] Speaker E: We love Mike.
[00:17:42] Speaker A: Mike.
[00:17:42] Speaker B: Also, all of our Patreon's critical failures are horrid. Yeah, I mean, they're great, but they're horrible.
So.
[00:17:53] Speaker A: No, no, they did not.
[00:17:55] Speaker E: Yeah. Yeah.
[00:17:56] Speaker A: This is love you guys. Amelia, tack. It's called dislocated elbow.
Target is sickened. Two and slowed. One.
[00:18:09] Speaker D: Oh.
[00:18:11] Speaker A: So let me go ahead and add those abilities here.
[00:18:16] Speaker C: Thanks, Mike.
[00:18:19] Speaker A: These conditions persist until the target is healed to full or is the target of a successful medicine check.
[00:18:27] Speaker B: So what you need to understand about these crit fails is I have looked over all of them and given feedback and almost every time the feedback was like, let's not be so harsh on the person who's taking it. So this probably was like everything you just heard. Plus they can't use any weapons. Plus their arm falls off. That's probably how it started.
[00:18:49] Speaker E: Plus their partner leaves them.
[00:18:53] Speaker A: Oh, well, thanks, Mike from Perth.
[00:18:58] Speaker E: Yes, Mike.
[00:18:59] Speaker B: Yeah, Mike.
[00:19:00] Speaker A: So that was our very first Patreon crit miss card. Now if anyone out there would like to join our Patreon at the $5 level, you can add your own card. They don't have to be crit misses. You could throw a crit hit in there, but everyone so far I think has done a crit miss. Maybe one crit hit. So that was its first attack. It's going to attempt to attack you again with its dislocated elbow?
[00:19:28] Speaker E: No, just with a second.
[00:19:30] Speaker C: I do love that our fans, people who pay us because they enjoy listening to us, would prefer to punish us than reward us. So thanks, guys.
[00:19:40] Speaker B: Well, like I said, sean rolls more dice than anybody. So the odds are, especially with Brianna in our group against him.
[00:19:48] Speaker C: This is true.
[00:19:49] Speaker B: I'm attacking her. The odds are much higher that Sean is gonna quit fail.
[00:19:52] Speaker A: Well, that was a 15, so I'm just going to draw another card here.
[00:19:55] Speaker B: Okay.
[00:19:56] Speaker E: Oh dear.
[00:19:57] Speaker A: So this is called hand it over. This is it from paizo. Unless I succeed at a reflex saving throw, your target gains possession of your weapon.
So my reflex saving throw will be against Brianna's class DC, which is 23.
[00:20:16] Speaker B: And he's all messed up though, right? Already?
[00:20:17] Speaker A: Yup.
[00:20:18] Speaker E: How'd you do?
[00:20:19] Speaker A: And I rolled it two.
[00:20:23] Speaker E: Oh, Shawn.
[00:20:24] Speaker A: So he no longer has a spear. He swings it at Brianna. Brianna is like, no, give me that. And just pulls it out of his hand. And he's kind of standing there looking, like. Looking at his hands that were grasped on this long spear, like, oh, where'd it go?
[00:20:40] Speaker E: What just happened?
[00:20:43] Speaker B: I feel like these monsters are either just, like, badass murder machines or petulant children who are, like, need a timeout.
There's very little in between.
[00:20:54] Speaker A: Well, speaking of petulant children. Knife sword, it is your turn.
[00:21:00] Speaker B: Speaking of knife sword and his fart cloud, the fart cloud is now gone.
[00:21:03] Speaker A: Okay.
[00:21:04] Speaker E: Oh, no.
[00:21:05] Speaker C: I like that. We've all just apparently decided it's a goblin fart cloud.
[00:21:12] Speaker A: I believe Rob said last game that he goes, I freak out, and this cloud of noxious gas appears around me.
[00:21:23] Speaker D: So this. This guy ran up and stabbed me, right?
[00:21:26] Speaker A: Attempted to stab you.
[00:21:28] Speaker B: I think he shot you with an arrow first. Dropped his bow, and ran in with his weapon.
[00:21:33] Speaker D: Okay.
You hit me.
You hit me, you muck. Brain. Clean bottom window washer.
[00:21:43] Speaker A: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Window washer.
Them are fighting words, sir.
[00:21:52] Speaker B: All right, so mukbrain clean bottom window washer. That's what the insult is. I just want to make sure we are all very clear.
[00:21:57] Speaker A: Yep.
[00:21:58] Speaker E: A bean.
[00:21:58] Speaker D: As I'm screaming at him, I point my finger at him and fire a beam of negative energy.
[00:22:03] Speaker A: Okay, so I need to make a DC 25 fortitude save. So, yeah, let's see how this works. Not well. 13.
[00:22:16] Speaker B: That's a critical failure.
[00:22:17] Speaker A: That is a critical failure.
[00:22:19] Speaker D: Critical failure. The creature takes four d eight persistent negative damage and becomes drained. Two. And doomed. One.
[00:22:26] Speaker C: Oh, shit.
[00:22:30] Speaker B: Well, the fact that it's 48 persistent is gross enough, and that's just. That's what they would have taken if they would have failed. Yeah. So good job. Good job, spellcaster guy.
[00:22:39] Speaker A: Go ahead and click on that four d eight and roll it for me so I know how much damage I'm taking. 17. Persistent. Oh, boy.
Okay, hang on.
[00:22:52] Speaker B: Is he drained too?
[00:22:53] Speaker A: Yep.
[00:22:53] Speaker D: Yes.
[00:22:54] Speaker B: So, drained, when a creature successfully drains you of blood or life forest, you become less healthy. Drained always includes a value. You take a status penalty equal to your drained value. On constitution baked checks, such as fortitude saves you. Also, the number of hit points equal to your level times the drained value, and your maximum hit points are reduced by that same amount.
[00:23:14] Speaker E: Oh, my gosh.
[00:23:15] Speaker B: So I don't know what level these creatures are. Also, the drained hit points do not count as damage if you have something that mitigates damage. Not that it matters to him, but.
[00:23:24] Speaker A: It might be their fourth level creature, level four.
[00:23:29] Speaker B: So they take. So their current and max hit points both decrease by eight drain, and then.
[00:23:34] Speaker A: At the start of its turn, it's going to take 17 damage. Love it.
[00:23:39] Speaker D: It's also doomed.
[00:23:42] Speaker A: Oh, I have the doomed on there.
[00:23:44] Speaker B: Doomed isn't as important for NPC's as it is for us because it just. It just lowers the death, saves you get. So you can only get to dying three and then you're dead instead of dying four.
[00:23:55] Speaker D: It sounded cool.
[00:23:56] Speaker B: If you're doing.
[00:23:57] Speaker A: It is.
[00:23:58] Speaker B: No, it is.
[00:23:58] Speaker A: It's actually this for me type. Yeah, some of those maybe reoccurring characters. It might make a bigger difference too. Huh? What? Recurring. What? All right, anything else?
[00:24:12] Speaker B: First action shot.
[00:24:13] Speaker D: Yeah, that was my first two actions, actually.
[00:24:16] Speaker A: Okay.
[00:24:17] Speaker C: I'm just, like, skipping the end of people's turns. I don't know if you guys have realized that.
[00:24:20] Speaker A: Yes, you do.
Oh, I was gonna ask him what his.
[00:24:24] Speaker B: Especially when you hit him hard. He's like, okay, you're done cutting you off. Like you're at the bar. You're like, no, no, no.
I'm still drinking this. And you're gonna have to hold on.
[00:24:34] Speaker D: As I watch him flail from the negative energy, I just sort of flick my finger and send a magic missile his way.
[00:24:40] Speaker E: Okay, can Brianna see this?
[00:24:43] Speaker A: Nope.
[00:24:44] Speaker E: No.
[00:24:44] Speaker B: Find a tree.
[00:24:45] Speaker E: She's just hearing.
[00:24:46] Speaker A: Okay, you just hear, like, wom and then screams. I'm sure. Yeah, yeah. Okay.
[00:24:52] Speaker E: What is going on?
[00:24:54] Speaker A: Well, now, that knife sword has doomed this poor creature. It's the dragon pillar's turn.
[00:25:00] Speaker B: Dang it.
[00:25:01] Speaker A: And Brianna is the closest.
[00:25:03] Speaker B: What's up, boo?
[00:25:05] Speaker A: What's up?
Oh, I will.
[00:25:12] Speaker E: Thanks.
[00:25:14] Speaker A: Sorry.
[00:25:16] Speaker E: Yep, I'm a dad.
[00:25:17] Speaker A: 34 to hit.
[00:25:21] Speaker E: That'll hit.
[00:25:22] Speaker A: All right, give me a reflex save, please.
[00:25:27] Speaker E: Sure. Yeah, sure, sure, sure, sure, sure. 25.
[00:25:33] Speaker A: That is a pass.
Oh, so you're taking half damage. So you're taking half of 19. So nine points of damage we round up in this game, and it just starts to burn you from, like, the inside as this orange beam of light comes from its eyes.
[00:25:56] Speaker E: Serenity, preserve me.
[00:25:57] Speaker A: And now it is your turn.
[00:25:59] Speaker E: All right, all right. I see you, dragon pillar. I see you. I'm coming for you. So she will heed her friend's advice, as my grandmother would say. She will stab towards the dragon pillar.
[00:26:13] Speaker A: So you only activate one attack of opportunity. When she moves away from the creature that was between the two of you, it bites at her?
[00:26:23] Speaker B: Really? With a step action?
[00:26:25] Speaker A: Oh, that's right. She can step. Okay, so no, it doesn't get an attack of opportunity.
[00:26:34] Speaker C: No, no.
[00:26:34] Speaker E: Boo yay.
Anywho, so, like they've practiced many times before, Brianna is going to put her shoulder against this pillar and start to push.
[00:26:47] Speaker A: Give me an athletic speed check, please.
[00:26:50] Speaker E: You got it. How's a 32?
[00:26:53] Speaker A: A 32 is enough to push over the dragon pillar. Does it topple it just like we practiced? Yes, as it falls to the ground, unable to work again.
So you have one more action.
[00:27:08] Speaker E: Um, you know what? I've got this bad guy next to me. She'll spin and strike.
[00:27:16] Speaker A: Okay, he slowed and sickened to 30.
That is a critical.
I think every one of your attacks so far has been a critical.
[00:27:29] Speaker E: Oh, I think we're hearkening back to.
[00:27:35] Speaker B: Bringing it back around book one.
[00:27:37] Speaker C: I will keep standard missing if you keep hitting.
[00:27:44] Speaker E: I'm okay to trade once in a while, but this hearkens back to book one.
Rupture abdominal cavity. Triple damage. The target is fatigued.
[00:27:56] Speaker A: Oh, good. Because being having a dislocated elbow, being slowed and sickened wasn't enough. Let's make him fatigued. Let's see if he even slows. Survives.
[00:28:08] Speaker E: 19 times three. Does he survive?
[00:28:11] Speaker A: Um, hang on.
[00:28:12] Speaker E: Let me carry the 257 points of damage.
[00:28:17] Speaker A: Is that right? Okay, it is. It is still alive, but it's bleeding immensely.
[00:28:23] Speaker E: Okay, fatigue.
[00:28:26] Speaker A: What is fatigue? I take a minus one status penalty to ac and c saving throws.
Sorry, I don't think you are.
[00:28:38] Speaker C: No, sorry.
[00:28:41] Speaker B: Not sorry.
[00:28:41] Speaker E: Yep, that's exactly it.
[00:28:44] Speaker A: Saraya, it is your turn.
[00:28:47] Speaker C: Okay, well, I only have one pre made alchemist fire left, so I might.
[00:28:52] Speaker A: Hang on to that.
[00:28:53] Speaker C: I am going to, however, throw a froth vial at this one that we couldn't hit last round, and that then tried to, like, slice me. And that's when talent opened.
[00:29:05] Speaker E: Good call. Jesus, mother.
[00:29:07] Speaker A: Would you like to use a hero point?
[00:29:09] Speaker C: Yes.
I rolled a three on the die, so.
[00:29:15] Speaker E: Oh, 18.
[00:29:17] Speaker B: He is prone, but I don't want enough.
[00:29:20] Speaker C: I don't think so because I didn't even hit him with a 20 last round. Yeah, let's try that again. There we go. 32.
[00:29:26] Speaker E: How's that? Yes.
[00:29:28] Speaker A: That will critically hit him.
[00:29:30] Speaker C: Yes.
[00:29:33] Speaker A: Hell yeah. Get a good scene.
[00:29:37] Speaker C: Give me a critic.
Bomb or spell. Normal damage. Target is stunned too. Well, let me. Yeah, so it's normal damage.
[00:29:48] Speaker B: Rolling in.
[00:29:48] Speaker C: Normal damage. So it is nine cold damage. He has slowed 10ft. There's two splash which would hit his little buddy.
[00:29:58] Speaker A: Well, the two splash kills his buddy. Yes.
He had matt. You dropped him to one hit point.
[00:30:08] Speaker B: Of course I did. It's always that.
[00:30:14] Speaker C: All righty.
Well, that was only my first attack. How is he looking versus the one that's closer to Brianna?
[00:30:21] Speaker A: Uh, well, the one close to Brianna has its stomach slid open, and you can see its stomach lining kind of sliding out.
[00:30:29] Speaker C: I'm gonna throw acid at the one right in front of me. Then Brianna can finish off the one near her acid mask.
[00:30:35] Speaker E: She's throwing some acid flask.
[00:30:39] Speaker C: Let's see. This is a 24. Hit him.
[00:30:42] Speaker A: Yes, because he's prone, flat footed. Slowed.
[00:30:48] Speaker C: Awesome. That is eleven damage. That is persistent. Damn it. So he can roll at the end of his turn to see whether or not he keeps hurting.
[00:30:56] Speaker A: Oh, okay, hang on. I gotta put persistent on him.
[00:30:59] Speaker C: And then with my last action, I'm gonna try and identify these things, I guess, because no one's done that yet.
[00:31:05] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:31:06] Speaker C: What skill would that be? What knowledge am I recording?
[00:31:09] Speaker A: You are recalling notcher.
[00:31:13] Speaker C: Not sure.
[00:31:15] Speaker A: Nacher.
[00:31:15] Speaker B: Nacho.
[00:31:16] Speaker A: Nacher.
[00:31:17] Speaker C: Nacho. Nacho.
[00:31:19] Speaker B: Nachos.
[00:31:20] Speaker C: Not my best. Not my worst. 21.
[00:31:23] Speaker A: 21 will succeed. So these are called belloco. And you know that these specific blocos are belloco veterans.
[00:31:33] Speaker C: So they used it fighting.
They have, like, weird, like, orangutan bodies.
[00:31:38] Speaker E: It looks like from the Tokyo.
[00:31:41] Speaker A: So belokos are crocodile snouted fae who stalk the mwangi jungle and feast upon the flesh of humans.
As cunning as they are vicious, bellokos employ deadly traps and gorilla hunting tactics to capture prey, typically hapless explorers or occasional wayward villagers who believe balochos to be cruel ancestral spirits.
Biloco looked like a slender, wiry human with a head resembling a crocodile. Rust colored skin and blood red eyes. It eats only the meat of humanoids, though it can survive extended periods of time on a single meal, thanks to its snake like ability to consume a typical medium humanoid whole. Which it does by unhinging its jaw and slowly swallowing the victim from head to foot. Thanks to its acidic saliva and sharp teeth, a baloco can massacre its food into an easy to digest pulp, grinding the flesh and bone into a compact mush. Even while swallowing, it does not flinch while devouring meals two or three times its own size. A bloco that has recently suddenly fed is easily recognizable by its distended belly. Though the fae is no less dangerous than as it delights in killing and might have hungry comrades hiding nearby.
[00:33:02] Speaker C: Close.
[00:33:03] Speaker A: Yeah. So would you like to know? You can ask me one question about them.
[00:33:07] Speaker D: What's your favorite color?
[00:33:12] Speaker C: Special attacks. Since everything we've seen, everything we've done seems to be working.
[00:33:16] Speaker A: I'm not sure.
[00:33:16] Speaker C: Super concerned about the defenses.
[00:33:18] Speaker A: Sure. They have an attack of opportunity, which you guys already know, and they have the swipe ability. The veteran makes a melee strike and compares the attack roll result to the ac of up to two foes, each of whom must be within their melee reach and adjacent to each other. Roll damage only once an applied to each creature hit a swipe counts as two attacks. For the veterans, multiple attack penalties and it takes two actions.
[00:33:45] Speaker C: Okay, all right, so I'll relay as much of that to the gift. They're experienced fighters, and just be careful. They can hit more of us with more than one of us at once. Oh, so they might try to eat you.
[00:33:54] Speaker E: Okay. Okay. Okay.
[00:33:56] Speaker A: Saraya, give me that. Persistent damage.
[00:34:00] Speaker C: Do I roll it again at the end of my turn?
[00:34:02] Speaker A: No, it's at the start of his turn.
And so it is the start of his turn.
[00:34:07] Speaker C: Now that'll be twelve more damage to him.
[00:34:09] Speaker A: So it reaches back to snap at twin Talon and it freezes solid and dies.
[00:34:17] Speaker C: That was acid damage. I think he just falls apart into good.
[00:34:21] Speaker B: That's what you get.
[00:34:22] Speaker A: The next biloco that was fighting knife sword has so many things on him. Oh, my goodness. What is going. Oh, he takes four d eight acids at the start of his turn. So go ahead and roll that for me, please.
[00:34:38] Speaker B: Knife sword, isn't it negative energy damage?
[00:34:41] Speaker A: Oh, negative energy, yes. Sorry. 20. And then is going to attack a 20 to hit you with its jaws.
[00:34:52] Speaker D: Misses.
[00:34:53] Speaker A: Misses. Okay, it's gonna attack again with a 15.
[00:34:57] Speaker D: Missed.
[00:34:57] Speaker A: Okay, well, in that case, its last action is to try and go home.
[00:35:04] Speaker E: Yeah.
[00:35:04] Speaker A: Nah, it's not gonna let Emile get away. Snaps again for a 19.
[00:35:10] Speaker B: 3Rd attacks never go to anyone.
[00:35:13] Speaker A: Just can't hit.
[00:35:15] Speaker B: He's just asking to draw one of our Patreon's critmis cards, which will cripple him for life.
[00:35:21] Speaker C: Not the character Sean. Sean himself will suddenly lose twin tal.
[00:35:26] Speaker A: And it is your turn.
[00:35:27] Speaker B: Yeah. Go. Lose cohesion. Um, all right, so this guy here, that's next to Brianna, who was up near the, uh, the dragon pillar, he seems to have a lot of conditions on him.
[00:35:38] Speaker A: Yes, he does. Would you like to know what they are?
[00:35:40] Speaker B: Yeah. What are those?
[00:35:41] Speaker A: Slowed, fatigued one, sickened two, and slowed one.
[00:35:46] Speaker B: Do any of those stop him from making reactions or taking reactions?
[00:35:49] Speaker A: Doesn't slow.
[00:35:51] Speaker B: Do that stun? Does that slow? Does not.
[00:35:54] Speaker A: Then no.
[00:35:55] Speaker B: Okay, then twin Talon will take his first action to move one to the east and then up next to Brianna. Okay, so he's now also adjacent to this critter.
[00:36:05] Speaker A: Yep.
[00:36:06] Speaker B: He will make his first attack versus the. I already forgot what they're called. Veloko for 33.
[00:36:14] Speaker A: That's a crit.
[00:36:16] Speaker C: Okay.
[00:36:18] Speaker B: This guy's just having a bad day.
[00:36:20] Speaker A: Yeah, yeah.
[00:36:22] Speaker B: Oh, flat blade. Thwack. Triple damage. You can deal bludgeoning damage instead of slashing damage. I don't care. I want to deal triple damage. So before you.
[00:36:34] Speaker A: Hang on a second, Matt, remove him from the game.
[00:36:37] Speaker B: Cause he has one hit point left. Let's figure out how much damage I was gonna say I would have done.
[00:36:42] Speaker A: Do you deal more than four points of damage?
[00:36:44] Speaker B: Ideal 60 points of damage.
[00:36:46] Speaker C: I think that counts.
[00:36:48] Speaker A: You splatter him into a fine mist as he had four points left.
[00:36:55] Speaker B: So Twintalon just kind of like, steps up, grabs the dog slicer high in the air, brings it straight down through his head, torso, and out between his legs. As he falls into two pieces. Twintellen will then turn. I still can't see around this far tree, so I'm gonna move.
[00:37:13] Speaker A: But, Matt, how do you really feel about that tree?
[00:37:15] Speaker B: Mostly it's in my way. I don't have. I don't feel a certain way about it. It's nice that it's guarding me from other stuff too, but now that knife swords over there getting attacked, I'd rather be able to see. Now, remind me, does the terrain we're in, is it basically difficult terrain?
[00:37:29] Speaker A: It should have been, but I haven't been really marking you guys against it, so no.
[00:37:34] Speaker B: Oh, okay, well, then that's my fault. We'll move east 510.
[00:37:38] Speaker A: If you can't go through it, you have to walk around it.
[00:37:40] Speaker B: 15, 2025. I still don't fucking see this guy. Where the hell is he?
[00:37:47] Speaker A: Wait, you don't.
[00:37:48] Speaker B: No.
[00:37:49] Speaker A: Oh, he's right. Do you don't see knife sword either, do you?
[00:37:53] Speaker B: No.
[00:37:53] Speaker A: Yeah, that's because the tree's blocking you. Still.
Let me. Let me.
[00:37:59] Speaker B: When Talon's, like, making his way around, like, where the hell is this? I hear noise.
[00:38:03] Speaker A: Yeah, they're in the. They're in the crooks of the tree. Like, it's just enough to block you. I just looked at the walls and I'm like, yeah, no, that makes sense.
[00:38:13] Speaker B: All right, so I moved. Killed a guy with a crit with 60 damage. I just want to remind everybody of that. And then moved again.
So that's it for me.
[00:38:21] Speaker A: All right, knife, sword, it is your turn.
[00:38:24] Speaker D: I look at the thing in front of me. You will woo the day you and I cast phantasmal killer.
So I create a phantasmal image of a most fearsome creature imaginable. To the target. One dispels. Target can see the killer, so you can see the vague shape of the illusion as it races forth to attack. The effect of the killer is based on the outcome of the target's will save.
[00:38:54] Speaker A: And the will save is 25.
[00:38:57] Speaker B: Everything's pretty much 25, I think.
[00:38:59] Speaker A: 24.
[00:39:02] Speaker B: Failure.
[00:39:03] Speaker A: That's a failure.
[00:39:05] Speaker D: This target takes eight d, six mental damage and is frightened too.
[00:39:10] Speaker B: Oh, shit.
[00:39:11] Speaker C: Damn. You're damaged on these spells.
[00:39:15] Speaker A: Oh, all right, roll, roll. Eight D, six, please. 20 points of damage. Still alive.
[00:39:22] Speaker B: And that's pretty low for 86.
[00:39:25] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:39:25] Speaker B: Yeah, that could have been way worse for him.
[00:39:27] Speaker A: Yeah. 1412-5322 and he's frightened too now, on.
[00:39:33] Speaker D: Top of being drained to endure.
[00:39:36] Speaker B: Okay, bring on the status effect.
[00:39:43] Speaker A: So before I knew Rob was going to play a spellcaster, I wanted to move to a different tabletop that, like, let me apply these effects. So it adjusted everything automatically. And now that he's playing a spellcaster, I am so glad that I did that.
Frightened you take status penalties equal to the value of all your checks and DC's. Unless otherwise specified, at the end of each year turn, the value decreases by one. You have one more action, I believe, mister. Mister singleteeth.
[00:40:19] Speaker D: Oh, yes. Yes.
[00:40:27] Speaker A: Oh, no.
[00:40:30] Speaker B: That is two actions as well.
[00:40:33] Speaker D: Well, guess I'll just magic missile him again.
[00:40:38] Speaker B: So I want to say this is, I think, the third time that Rob has used a one action magic missile.
[00:40:43] Speaker A: Yep.
[00:40:44] Speaker B: And I was listening to somebody recently on a YouTube thing about how nobody ever uses magic missile unless it's three actions because it's not optimal. Blah, blah, blah. And I just want to say to that guy, fuck you. This is awesome. Magic missile is just like the cherry on top of every other, like, horrific thing that this goblin has done to people.
[00:41:02] Speaker A: Perfect. I love it.
[00:41:03] Speaker C: It's just like they that, like, last little, like.
[00:41:05] Speaker B: Yes.
[00:41:05] Speaker C: Fuck. Ton of damage. And also, fuck you.
[00:41:09] Speaker A: And how much did you do, Rob?
[00:41:12] Speaker D: Four. Four life points he no longer has.
[00:41:17] Speaker A: Yep. And that was all of his life points that he had left.
[00:41:21] Speaker B: Good job.
[00:41:21] Speaker D: Okay, well, then I'm gonna blow off my finger.
[00:41:28] Speaker B: Twintelle's finished rounding the bend. He, like, skids to a halt. Just. He's like dead guys. All right.
[00:41:34] Speaker C: Yeah. Good job.
[00:41:36] Speaker A: So that was another dragon pillar. The orange Dragon pillar has now fallen.
[00:41:42] Speaker B: Good. Good riddance.
[00:41:43] Speaker C: Right?
[00:41:44] Speaker E: How many do we know we have yet?
[00:41:46] Speaker A: Well, two more yeah, based on the map, I'm gonna move you all back to that hex map. And you can count how many you have left.
[00:41:55] Speaker B: One, two.
[00:41:56] Speaker A: Correct. You only have two more pillars left.
[00:42:01] Speaker D: I got five.
[00:42:02] Speaker B: What?
[00:42:02] Speaker E: I counted five pillars. Yes, but those are already taken care of. They're toppled.
[00:42:08] Speaker D: No, I just counted five, okay?
[00:42:10] Speaker E: Oh, as in you can count two, five.
[00:42:12] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:42:13] Speaker E: What?
[00:42:13] Speaker D: Five. See?
[00:42:15] Speaker E: Yeah.
[00:42:16] Speaker C: Wow.
[00:42:18] Speaker A: What are we getting?
[00:42:19] Speaker C: Jasper flaps over and starts doing the same thing on, like, his little weirdly human things.
[00:42:25] Speaker A: Just like.
[00:42:29] Speaker E: Look, you're teaching Jasper.
[00:42:31] Speaker A: You walk for a few moments and find the camp that Rinali has set up for you. You all decide to lay down for the night rest, okay? And as you drift off to sleep, thinking about 60 damage twin Talon did, or the bubble that knife sword did, or knocking over the pillar, you all level up for the nice episode next week.
[00:43:07] Speaker B: Next week?
[00:43:08] Speaker C: Wait, we leveled up?
[00:43:09] Speaker E: Uninterrupted.
[00:43:13] Speaker B: Oh, hello.
[00:43:19] Speaker A: Thank you for listening to the Crack Die podcast. Background sound effects provided by sirenscape. Because Epic Games deserve Epic music. Please visit
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